Reflections from the Spiritual War

After years on the frontlines, I’m returning to my first love: the written word.

The Aftermath of the Last Few Years

Lately, I feel like a soldier recovering from a war.

An information war.

A psychological war.

And most of all, a spiritual war.

The intensity of the past few years really changed me.

My husband and I desperately trying to warn everyone we know about the dangers of the COVID MRNA vaccines and other issues we saw happening in the world.

Getting constantly censored and shadowbanned. Losing friends and family for our “unacceptable views.”

The waves of cancel mobs, calling us everything from “dangerous” to “far-right extremists” & “white supremacists”.

And then slowly watching the thing I feared unfold: a wave of people “dying suddenly,” heart and neurological issues, stillbirths, blood clots… and now, the ongoing wave of “turbo cancers.”

The grief seems endless, and I sit with it in meditation each night, as I have done every day for the last five years. I don’t want that grief to harden my heart or make me see the world as an ugly place.

After everything I’ve already lived through, even before COVID, I refuse to let what’s happened extinguish the light I’ve so carefully nurtured.

So I sit with it. I feel it.

And eventually, the feelings transform.

I’ve always felt that if this is a spiritual war, it is won from within. From using the chaos to anchor in a new level of consciousness.

And each of us has our own cross to carry, having lived through this moment in history, together. Having lost the people we lost and from having our lives forever changed.

This personal grief wasn’t isolated. I certainly saw over the years that I wasn’t alone in it; that an entire wave of collective suffering had unfolded.

I counselled hundreds of people during the pandemic, holding their pain as they shared horrific stories of losing loved ones, to the vaccine, to the polarization, or other devastating tragedies like suicide. I say this not to elicit sympathy, but to acknowledge the immense pain that I know many people have endured over the past five years.

I, too, was struggling health-wise: living in, and then recovering from, a house that had mould and bearing witness to so much death and grief that it was making me feel burnt out and heavy myself.

It fried my nervous system.

It retriggered old trauma and survival mechanisms.

I was also in the process of grieving the friends and family I lost.

From 2019 to now, my whole life looks different.

When I say COVID changed me, I can now see, difficult as that period was, that those changes were ultimately for the better.

It was a trial by fire, but I’ve come out more grounded and more authentic than I’ve ever been.

The last remnants of my old self, the one who catered to others through fawning to survive, are gone.

I won’t sacrifice my voice for the sake of being liked anymore.

I can now see that the relationships I lost needed to go. We were clearly misaligned with our deepest values, while the friends I gained during this period are the friends I’ve longed for all along.

The new ones I’ve gained have depth, character, and grit. And sometimes, to grow, you need to let go of relationships that are based on the old persona you were, rather than the authentic self you are becoming.

The embodied wisdom I gained through the direct experience of going through this journey has given me a level of internal safety that is unmatched.

Now I trust myself more: I know that I will stand up for myself and protect myself when necessary.

What I need now is the time and space to fully integrate everything that has happened.

Since working with people nonstop for the past five years, I hadn’t had much time to slow down and recollect myself.

So lately, I’ve decided it’s time to rest and recharge. And write.

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Turning the Page

I’m taking time off from the Embodied Soul Awakening program that Bernhard and I have run diligently for the past five years. (Yes, we will return again, for those who have been waiting for the next round.)

Bernhard is going to focus on a new path, distilling all his studies on occult forces into a comprehensive course on spiritual warfare. I intend to support him from the sidelines, with meditations and guest teaching, rather than play a leading role.

I’m going back to my roots: writing longer-form reflections and essays.

What many don’t know about me is that before I entered the psycho-spiritual coaching space, I was a music journalist, and I’ve always considered myself a writer.

Starting my first blog at the age of 12 got me used to pouring my heart out into the written word at a young age.

In the days before social media, I used writing as therapy, filling up notebook after notebook with stream-of-consciousness thoughts.

My 20s were a whirlwind of concerts, the typical “sex, drugs, and rock and roll” lifestyle… and through the early part of that period, I was still writing.

Friends from that time used to call me a “female Hunter S. Thompson”- a nod to the chaotic and self-destructive nature of my life back then.

Looking back, I can see that a death wish is what drove me.

It was fun, at first… and then it wasn’t.

As my addictions took hold, things got progressively darker.

I lost that spark in my heart.

And somewhere amid that darkness, I also stopped writing.

I’ve come to understand that when someone loses touch with their creativity, it’s often a sign that something terrible has happened to their soul.

That’s precisely what happened to me.

The endless cycle of toxic and abusive relationships.

The ongoing struggle with drug addiction.

Things began to unravel at an accelerated pace right around my nodal opposition — that make-or-break astrological period that hits at age 27.

We all know the infamous “27 Club.” For me, it was the year I went to detox.

Recovering from opiate addiction was excruciating. I was left incredibly sick, not just physically, but emotionally. I fell into a deep depression that lasted for months, until one day, I was ready to end it all. A cop stopped me just in time.

The turning point came at the end of 2012, when the so-called “end of the world” was predicted by those who believed in the Mayan calendar predictions.

Turns out, it was the end of my world. Everything had become so dark, so surreal, I thought I must be dreaming, trapped inside a nightmare.

It was in that moment that I turned and prayed to God for the first time.

Something I had never done before or wasn’t even sure I believed in.

But support came racing in. And slowly, my life began to turn around.

Most of all, from that moment on, I made a choice I had never truly made before — I decided I wanted to live.

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A Return to My True Voice

After many years of recovery and healing, mind, body, and spirit, I now find myself to be an entirely different person than I was back then.

Almost shockingly so.

It really hit me the other day when I came across some old writing from that period. I read it over multiple times in disbelief.

I couldn’t recognize my voice anymore. I was stunned.

It was more surreal than reading embarrassing old Facebook posts.

I genuinely couldn’t tell who it was that had written those words.

I’ve come to realize that whoever that false self was… she’s no longer here.

Something in my consciousness has shifted profoundly.

I’ve noticed that when you get pushed to the brink of death, like I did, it often means that a part of you needs to die for the next phase of your life to begin.

That old voice was the part of me who died.

The person who is writing now is the real me.

My true self.

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Reclaiming My Writing Soul

One of my life lessons is to use my creativity in service to others. For over ten years, that creativity has been channelled into psycho-spiritual work as a coach and an astrologer, including our Cosmic Matrix podcast and our live psycho-spiritual group program, Embodied Soul Awakening.

That course was designed with some of the main practices that helped me climb out of the dark place I was in and find my way back to the light.

I still write, of course, as many of you reading this know, as you likely found me through my writing on Instagram.

However, by sharing my creativity primarily through new mediums, such as podcasts, meditations, video teachings, inner work practices, and social media, I lost the joy that long-form writing once brought me.

I’ve also battled my own tech addiction and shortened attention span from overuse of these apps.

And without my creative lifeline of writing that has meant so much to me for most of my life, I started to feel something in my soul become blocked.

I used to read and write constantly.

While I still read, the main thing I’ve been writing lately… is emails.

On social media, it doesn’t seem worth it to post with more substance when it will get lost in the algorithm, buried beneath quick dopamine hits like memes and polarizing soundbites.

Don’t get me wrong, you all know I love memes. Laughter is indeed medicine, and it’s one of the easiest ways to lift heaviness in the field instantly.

But lately, I’m craving more depth.

I often find myself reminiscing about the days before smartphones and social media dominated our lives.

I feel called to slow down.

To collect my thoughts.

To silence the noise.

And to write again.

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What You Can Expect Here

I intend to offer you that depth here.

A space where we can dive deeply into the intersection of psychology, spirituality, and astrology, without the New Age fluff.

A space where I don’t have to cater to an algorithm.

Where I can retrieve my writer’s soul and use it in service to the collective.

To share my insights on this path of embodied and soulful awakening that many of us are walking together.

If you’re craving something with more substance, something beyond the fast-food pace of social media, I hope you’ll consider subscribing.

I want this space to offer the kind of depth that is becoming increasingly rare in an increasingly fast-paced and artificial world.

That means it won’t be for everyone, because most of what I’m drawn to isn’t for the masses, and that’s okay,

My views often challenge mainstream narratives; not because I am deliberately trying to be contrarian, but because I've committed to seeking truth beyond labels.

Therefore, this newsletter is best suited for those with an open mind who understand we don’t need to agree on everything to have valuable, meaningful conversations and walk beside one another on our journeys of individuation and awakening.

As many of you who follow me on social media or listen to our podcast already know:

I don’t cater to the “woke” left’s cult of scientism, nor do I align with the conservative “everything that’s not Christianity is demonic” camp either.

I don’t define myself as conservative or liberal, though I hold values that may overlap with both.

I’m a third thing.

Annoyingly undefinable for those who need to categorize and label people to feel secure.

I’m not even technically in “the middle,” because many of my views are too far “out there” for either side.

Like many individuating souls, I see myself beyond these labels.

(Though that doesn’t stop others from assigning these labels to me, anyway.)

Most of all, after everything that’s happened over the past five years, I’ve made a decision:

I will no longer censor myself just to be more palatable to those who prefer a watered-down version of me.

What I post here will be raw.

It will be real.

Woven with stories, insights, practical tools (and possibly even meditations from time to time), this space will be best suited for those who are genuinely committed to their inner work and willing to reflect on how the themes I explore may be manifesting in their own lives.

I have endless ideas for this space, and I’m open to your suggestions too.

I’m looking forward to watching this new journey unfold.

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Why I’m Calling It Keepers of the Inner Flame

There’s a light within each of us that needs to be nurtured.

That light is our spark of the divine.

This Substack is for those of us who are committed to protecting, tending, and keeping that flame alive — no matter what happens in their lives or the world.

Some walk in darkness
and some walk in light
but those who carry the flame walk in both worlds at once.

~ Patricia Walsh

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Coming Soon:

• Articles on what connects trauma and health crises to spiritual awakening

• Reflections on the lessons of the different Pluto generations

• Essays, stories, and transmissions for your psycho-spiritual evolution

• And more…

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I would love to hear in the comments how the past few years have changed you as well, or any other reflections you had while reading this.

With love,

Laura

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