The overuse, misuse and inverted use of labels and accusations like narcissist disgust and sicken me. I am a scapegoat child survivor of an actual narcissist (personality disorder not traits). I thought childhood was trying to survive soneone that wanted to kill your soul. They also kill your voice. Now they have taken the only language i hear to talk about my experince- expressing the inexpressible being healing in itself. Now its met with rolled eyes and disgust. Ive been part of the culture wars and loathe victimhood manipulation. Usually becuase the "victims" are if not narcissists then at least have narcissistic traits and use the victim/social justice to bully others.
Definitions matter. Truth matters. Self awareness matters. "Legitimate sufferring" matters.
Thank you for what you said. You're right, there’s a world of difference between having narcissistic traits (which, to some extent, we all do) and having the personality disorder. That distinction seems to be completely lost in today’s landscape of pop psychology. I hope you've found a way to reclaim your voice.
Perfectly said! The more I dig into the concept and my discomfort with the popular psychology of narcissism, as a therapist, the more I start to see the vulnerable narcissist traits pose as how you put it "use the victim/ social justice to bully", placing blame vs. taking responsibility for their views, beliefs, perspective as half of the relationship to reflect on; however instead, when the other half cannot see or hold their perspective are then called the "narcissist" when really both are in emotionally immature states of dysregulation and attachment wounds with an inability to see that the concept of attachment wounding was never meant to be blaming, but rather a means to build understanding of self in relationships so one could recognize how their patterns developed, thus never their fault, but their responsibility to understand, see, and practice shifting to meet another and self with grace, curiosity and adequate boundaries.
Many thanks for this comment Ilana 💖 I have found such a similar struggle because the language has been taken, the precision lost, etc and yet I still need a precise and exacting way to express and find my way through. Such a real struggle. x
Very well said, thank you! I'm a 1966er, so Pluto in Virgo generation, and I've been living in Mexico for twenty years so I have been outside of out culture for quite some time. I remember the first time I met someone who said, "I have ADHD" - it was maybe 12 years ago. I was in an airport lineup in Dallas (stopover from Canada to Mex) and I had a cat with me and so this young guy in his early 20s sparked up a conversation with me and, almost immediately he offered, "I have ADHD" to me. I was surprised. (and skeptical - I have a bunch of Scorpio planets) I looked surprised when he said it and said, "Oh....and what is ADHD exactly? How do you know you 'have' this?" He said, "Well...it's when you can only focus on what you're interested in." I was like, "Really?? Because I get that! Why would you want to focus on something you're not interested in? I don't think that's a disease. Maybe don't put a label to yourself (and I hope you're not taking drugs because of this label) we're all so different from each other." He seemed genuinely happy to have had our little conversation and he said he was going to look at it differently... (In the back of my mind I'm thinking: Air sign? Air Mercury? Strong Uranus? chuckle)
And anti-depressants came late to my generation, too. I remember when they first came out just thinking: SOMA. (and Ecstasy was a Soma for the partying crowd) I mean, if you're suicidal, by all means take something for a couple of months until you're out of the woods but if you're taking an anti-depressant because you're depressed for months and years....ayyyy! Seems so obvious that you should maybe look at the root of your depression instead of taking a pharmaceutical to live a fake life....?
Now I just sound like a cold-heart old person, I know! Just feeling very thankful that I am not a young person in todays world with everyone, including themselves, hard-core addicts (to their devices). I mean, we've got a world full of addicts now. It is pretty crazy. I can't imagine being a parent trying to navigate all that's been foisted on their children, either. Sigh.
This is so beautifully said and I wholeheartedly agree with everything you wrote! I recorded a podcast today where I expressed many, many, similar thoughts. I was born in '83, and I am absolutely here to help guide others through suffering and offer them a soft place to land. May we be the teachers and mentors we longed to have in our darkest hours.
This is spot on and so well said and articulated. I relate with everything you said in this post. Thank you Laura. I also cross-posted/shared this with my Substack email list.
One of the things we (society) really need in order for more people to find effective help and support for their suffering is the truth to come out about the ineffectiveness (at best) of the psychiatry and medication model of care. I’ve seen so many times where someone is really struggling and in a very dark place, and they sincerely do not have the tools or energy to dig themselves out. The loved ones don’t know how to handle it and believe that the psychiatry “professionals” will take care of it. The path, while well-intentioned by many, is heartbreaking for those who see through it.
Thank you for saying that and I'm so with you. Maybe I should write about that angle another day because I have a lot to say about this, as well. I've watched people I know whose souls and life have been sucked out of them by these drugs, and it's been heartbreaking.
Alot of what you expressed connected strongly. I didn't read everything, because I can easily feel overwhelmed by words (no fault to you at all). But from what I did read, I realized many of your reflections are my reflections as well.
Having a lack of adequate empathy, love, and bloodline support as I grew up. Being taken to psychological professionals, that were actually unprofessionals. Overtime, being prescribed many many drugs that likely have damaged my health.
And even the perspectives on, people wearing diagnoses as a badge of honor (which can be problematic). But again, there's so much that you expressed that connected with me heart, brain, energy, core, and personal perspective.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm sorry you went through all that, and I realte to what you said about the lack of support and damage that can come from those medications. Just so you know - if reading ever feels overwhelming, substack has an option to listen to the post too! There's a play button at the top of the app that reads it out loud. I'm really glad it spoke to your heart.
Whattttt! A read out loud button?! I am so glad that you informed me. In recent years I learned about my human design as a projector, and I sense that by listening to audio, I can best take in information that way.
It amazes me how self aware you are while at the same time objective to the society and culture at large.
You understand political dynamics as well as psychological and spiritual ones . Very impressive.
I’m older now and 💯 recovered from a rocky start in life with alcohol and drugs.
Alcohol addiction dominated my life for many years following and I suffered many bad situations.
I consider myself extremely lucky though that I never found the need to see a shrink and go on meds. I self-medicated . Therapy came later - after rehabs and I had the very good fortune of finding a supportive team of patient and insightful professionals who literally saved my life. I have to put a good word in for my osteopathic doctors whose cranial treatments addressed and healed the trauma that was embedded in my body.
That took many years .
Thank you so much for the work you do helping others .
Thank you so much for your kind words, it really means a lot. I’m so glad to hear you found the support you needed and that you fully recovered after everything you went through. That’s no small feat.
I can also relate to how much healing can come from alternative modalities, especially when working with the body. I’ve found somatic-based practices incredibly powerful too. There’s something profound about tending to the places trauma lives in the body, beyond just talking about it.
Wishing you continued healing and peace on your path, Joanna.
its an addiction i just struggle to leave it and find substitute for my lack of joy in life …
last week i managed to self regulate for the second time in my life for so long anxiety had trapped /limited me because of my need to flee my skin into my phone … my body keeps getting more sensitive to external sensations and i unintentionally reinforcing the cyclical pattern of escaping my body which make me much more anxious and manic
being able to self regulate correctly made me feel that i have so much power and potential in my hand to make my nerves system heal but the lack of will + fall for quick hits of tick tok just erase the progress so quickly more than anything i experience online
So when you say you hope Tick tok is gone that is very admirable to be able to simply live without an escape
I couldn’t love this more!!! I see again and again both in my practice and for myself that at first labels are a relief, there’s a sense of being seen and validated … and then at some point down the line they become a cage. Every single label or diagnosis (and I’ve had a lot 😆) I’ve ever had has followed this progression and I drop ‘em like they’re hot once they start to feel disempowering. I also find there’s a prevailing view that most mental health issues will be a lifelong battle - that hasn’t been the case for me once I addressed the root causes. I love that you’re advocating a conservative approach with a liberal understanding - that feels spot on to me 🙌
I completely agree about the root causes - that was a big turning point for me too. Labels can definitely bring a sense of validation, but they can quickly become limiting if believe the label is who you are. And yes, the idea we're just meant to "manage" the illness forever rather than truly heal is something I deeply question too. Many people have bought into this lie, unfortunately. It's so encouraging to hear that others have walked a similar path. Thank you for sharing!
The uncanny overlap of your story and mine is absolutely wild. I agree wholeheartedly with everything you shared. We need to take personal responsibility for how we relate to our traumas. We need to work to connect somatically to ourselves. And, we need to create new systems of communication and connection to support those personal developments.
Thanks for reading Jana, and so interesting that we have so much overlap here. It helps me realize that I wasn't alone in this, and many of us are dealing with similar themes in our own soul journeys
So much of my mission is about speaking about how ass-backwards we are when it comes to mental health and spirituality. Truly the pipeline from BDP to healer is a very common one. Your words always resonate. Thanks for sharing Laura.
A great and thorough article. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that but grateful for the wisdom that you forged from it. The simplest way I've found to think about this split between "liberal" and "conservative" approaches is that, in their best forms, they can represent opposite ends of the healing process. Initially there's a need to accept the problem and wallow in it, grieve, and really feel it, until you're ready to "get your shit together". One has to come after the other though and one can't stay stuck in the first part. As always, discernment and compassion are necessary.
Yup, well said. We need to feel, grieve, and then actually move forward in life, not get stuck there, as you said. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts
I found that an excellent read. And agree with you. It has been a long struggle for me also. I have realized that in my childhood I did not develop a healthy self. I would say this is primarily a result of narcissistic parenting styles and negative school experiences. My little performative mind could not cope and even though I was once a clever boy I believe I chose to "give up".
As a 51 year old physical adult with I believe the emotional intelligence of a young person, perhaps an adolescent, I have felt completely stuck and hopeless. Remembering painful moments as an adult being insulted by uncaring adults who regard not well adjusted adults as a pain in the proverbial. I do not forgive them for their stupidity and hope they have suffered in their life for their stupidity.
I believe essentially that the "self" is a developing story when it is nurtured correctly. But this is not innate, if you don't get the correct nurturing it won't happen you'll be left with an emptiness where the story is meant to be.
For those who suffer try to ignore the insulters, and the put downers, and the toughenuppers. Search for people with caring faces not MEDICAL COATS. Just because they are trained does not mean they care and have any capacity for love. Find people who have love in their hearts and try to let them help you. You can see care and love in a face, they are people who are able to share pain. My experience of therapy was very mixed.
I wish you all luck. And now truly believe that this "self", this "story", is the way humans can solve the problem of trauma. But it requires lots of work especially when rearing children.
No article ever treated this matter in such a thorough, omni-comprehensive way. I live in Italy (am italian) so my perspective can vary a bit but i can definitely relate on what i have seen coming in the last maybe twenty years and hit our family because of our third son's diagnosis (at first dispraxia then autism). I opposed to medical treatment but not to diagnosis because it seemed too much to me (we needed help). Now he is an adolescent and i can see what is happening around us and the increasing number of people going to therapy or having any kind of certification at school. Also my older son (of three) had private psichotherapy for some year after me and my husband split. Your approach has been mine too, though i would have not been able to articulate it as you did. Thanks so much and please go on writing on Substack.
Thank you so much for reading and sharing a bit of your story. I can only imagine the complexity of navigating your son's diagnosis and what's unfolded in your family over the years. I will absolutely keep writing and your words of encouragement keep me going, so thank you for taking the time to read and reflect.
The overuse, misuse and inverted use of labels and accusations like narcissist disgust and sicken me. I am a scapegoat child survivor of an actual narcissist (personality disorder not traits). I thought childhood was trying to survive soneone that wanted to kill your soul. They also kill your voice. Now they have taken the only language i hear to talk about my experince- expressing the inexpressible being healing in itself. Now its met with rolled eyes and disgust. Ive been part of the culture wars and loathe victimhood manipulation. Usually becuase the "victims" are if not narcissists then at least have narcissistic traits and use the victim/social justice to bully others.
Definitions matter. Truth matters. Self awareness matters. "Legitimate sufferring" matters.
Thank you for what you said. You're right, there’s a world of difference between having narcissistic traits (which, to some extent, we all do) and having the personality disorder. That distinction seems to be completely lost in today’s landscape of pop psychology. I hope you've found a way to reclaim your voice.
Perfectly said! The more I dig into the concept and my discomfort with the popular psychology of narcissism, as a therapist, the more I start to see the vulnerable narcissist traits pose as how you put it "use the victim/ social justice to bully", placing blame vs. taking responsibility for their views, beliefs, perspective as half of the relationship to reflect on; however instead, when the other half cannot see or hold their perspective are then called the "narcissist" when really both are in emotionally immature states of dysregulation and attachment wounds with an inability to see that the concept of attachment wounding was never meant to be blaming, but rather a means to build understanding of self in relationships so one could recognize how their patterns developed, thus never their fault, but their responsibility to understand, see, and practice shifting to meet another and self with grace, curiosity and adequate boundaries.
Dear Ilana, I sincerely hope and pray you are doing well now!
Many thanks for this comment Ilana 💖 I have found such a similar struggle because the language has been taken, the precision lost, etc and yet I still need a precise and exacting way to express and find my way through. Such a real struggle. x
Very well said, thank you! I'm a 1966er, so Pluto in Virgo generation, and I've been living in Mexico for twenty years so I have been outside of out culture for quite some time. I remember the first time I met someone who said, "I have ADHD" - it was maybe 12 years ago. I was in an airport lineup in Dallas (stopover from Canada to Mex) and I had a cat with me and so this young guy in his early 20s sparked up a conversation with me and, almost immediately he offered, "I have ADHD" to me. I was surprised. (and skeptical - I have a bunch of Scorpio planets) I looked surprised when he said it and said, "Oh....and what is ADHD exactly? How do you know you 'have' this?" He said, "Well...it's when you can only focus on what you're interested in." I was like, "Really?? Because I get that! Why would you want to focus on something you're not interested in? I don't think that's a disease. Maybe don't put a label to yourself (and I hope you're not taking drugs because of this label) we're all so different from each other." He seemed genuinely happy to have had our little conversation and he said he was going to look at it differently... (In the back of my mind I'm thinking: Air sign? Air Mercury? Strong Uranus? chuckle)
And anti-depressants came late to my generation, too. I remember when they first came out just thinking: SOMA. (and Ecstasy was a Soma for the partying crowd) I mean, if you're suicidal, by all means take something for a couple of months until you're out of the woods but if you're taking an anti-depressant because you're depressed for months and years....ayyyy! Seems so obvious that you should maybe look at the root of your depression instead of taking a pharmaceutical to live a fake life....?
Now I just sound like a cold-heart old person, I know! Just feeling very thankful that I am not a young person in todays world with everyone, including themselves, hard-core addicts (to their devices). I mean, we've got a world full of addicts now. It is pretty crazy. I can't imagine being a parent trying to navigate all that's been foisted on their children, either. Sigh.
This is so beautifully said and I wholeheartedly agree with everything you wrote! I recorded a podcast today where I expressed many, many, similar thoughts. I was born in '83, and I am absolutely here to help guide others through suffering and offer them a soft place to land. May we be the teachers and mentors we longed to have in our darkest hours.
This is spot on and so well said and articulated. I relate with everything you said in this post. Thank you Laura. I also cross-posted/shared this with my Substack email list.
Thank you for reading and sharing!
As Aragorn says in the Lord of the Rings: you are MOST welcome.
One of the things we (society) really need in order for more people to find effective help and support for their suffering is the truth to come out about the ineffectiveness (at best) of the psychiatry and medication model of care. I’ve seen so many times where someone is really struggling and in a very dark place, and they sincerely do not have the tools or energy to dig themselves out. The loved ones don’t know how to handle it and believe that the psychiatry “professionals” will take care of it. The path, while well-intentioned by many, is heartbreaking for those who see through it.
Thank you for saying that and I'm so with you. Maybe I should write about that angle another day because I have a lot to say about this, as well. I've watched people I know whose souls and life have been sucked out of them by these drugs, and it's been heartbreaking.
I’d love to read more from you on this. Thank you for considering it.
Alot of what you expressed connected strongly. I didn't read everything, because I can easily feel overwhelmed by words (no fault to you at all). But from what I did read, I realized many of your reflections are my reflections as well.
Having a lack of adequate empathy, love, and bloodline support as I grew up. Being taken to psychological professionals, that were actually unprofessionals. Overtime, being prescribed many many drugs that likely have damaged my health.
And even the perspectives on, people wearing diagnoses as a badge of honor (which can be problematic). But again, there's so much that you expressed that connected with me heart, brain, energy, core, and personal perspective.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm sorry you went through all that, and I realte to what you said about the lack of support and damage that can come from those medications. Just so you know - if reading ever feels overwhelming, substack has an option to listen to the post too! There's a play button at the top of the app that reads it out loud. I'm really glad it spoke to your heart.
Side note: I really like your last name. The pronunciation of it, holds so much power, strength, and regal energy.
Whattttt! A read out loud button?! I am so glad that you informed me. In recent years I learned about my human design as a projector, and I sense that by listening to audio, I can best take in information that way.
Glad I could point that out for you! It’s really a great feature on substack
I was thinking about it yesterday. If we're all traumatised, is anyone really 'normal'? Maybe not. :)
Than question arises what is normal?
It amazes me how self aware you are while at the same time objective to the society and culture at large.
You understand political dynamics as well as psychological and spiritual ones . Very impressive.
I’m older now and 💯 recovered from a rocky start in life with alcohol and drugs.
Alcohol addiction dominated my life for many years following and I suffered many bad situations.
I consider myself extremely lucky though that I never found the need to see a shrink and go on meds. I self-medicated . Therapy came later - after rehabs and I had the very good fortune of finding a supportive team of patient and insightful professionals who literally saved my life. I have to put a good word in for my osteopathic doctors whose cranial treatments addressed and healed the trauma that was embedded in my body.
That took many years .
Thank you so much for the work you do helping others .
Thank you so much for your kind words, it really means a lot. I’m so glad to hear you found the support you needed and that you fully recovered after everything you went through. That’s no small feat.
I can also relate to how much healing can come from alternative modalities, especially when working with the body. I’ve found somatic-based practices incredibly powerful too. There’s something profound about tending to the places trauma lives in the body, beyond just talking about it.
Wishing you continued healing and peace on your path, Joanna.
Truth. The key is learning how to acknowledge the label without BEING it… and delete TikTok 😂
I kind of hoped it would get shut down when they were about to, for the good of humanity lol
its an addiction i just struggle to leave it and find substitute for my lack of joy in life …
last week i managed to self regulate for the second time in my life for so long anxiety had trapped /limited me because of my need to flee my skin into my phone … my body keeps getting more sensitive to external sensations and i unintentionally reinforcing the cyclical pattern of escaping my body which make me much more anxious and manic
being able to self regulate correctly made me feel that i have so much power and potential in my hand to make my nerves system heal but the lack of will + fall for quick hits of tick tok just erase the progress so quickly more than anything i experience online
So when you say you hope Tick tok is gone that is very admirable to be able to simply live without an escape
Man tick tok is the worst psychological weapon deployed against humanity… master nervous system destroyer
Yup!
I couldn’t love this more!!! I see again and again both in my practice and for myself that at first labels are a relief, there’s a sense of being seen and validated … and then at some point down the line they become a cage. Every single label or diagnosis (and I’ve had a lot 😆) I’ve ever had has followed this progression and I drop ‘em like they’re hot once they start to feel disempowering. I also find there’s a prevailing view that most mental health issues will be a lifelong battle - that hasn’t been the case for me once I addressed the root causes. I love that you’re advocating a conservative approach with a liberal understanding - that feels spot on to me 🙌
I completely agree about the root causes - that was a big turning point for me too. Labels can definitely bring a sense of validation, but they can quickly become limiting if believe the label is who you are. And yes, the idea we're just meant to "manage" the illness forever rather than truly heal is something I deeply question too. Many people have bought into this lie, unfortunately. It's so encouraging to hear that others have walked a similar path. Thank you for sharing!
The uncanny overlap of your story and mine is absolutely wild. I agree wholeheartedly with everything you shared. We need to take personal responsibility for how we relate to our traumas. We need to work to connect somatically to ourselves. And, we need to create new systems of communication and connection to support those personal developments.
I love the light you're shining.
Thanks for reading Jana, and so interesting that we have so much overlap here. It helps me realize that I wasn't alone in this, and many of us are dealing with similar themes in our own soul journeys
So much of my mission is about speaking about how ass-backwards we are when it comes to mental health and spirituality. Truly the pipeline from BDP to healer is a very common one. Your words always resonate. Thanks for sharing Laura.
Thank you Laura. Timing is everything, Divine Timing. I needed to be reminded what I'm here to do.
A great and thorough article. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that but grateful for the wisdom that you forged from it. The simplest way I've found to think about this split between "liberal" and "conservative" approaches is that, in their best forms, they can represent opposite ends of the healing process. Initially there's a need to accept the problem and wallow in it, grieve, and really feel it, until you're ready to "get your shit together". One has to come after the other though and one can't stay stuck in the first part. As always, discernment and compassion are necessary.
Yup, well said. We need to feel, grieve, and then actually move forward in life, not get stuck there, as you said. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts
I found that an excellent read. And agree with you. It has been a long struggle for me also. I have realized that in my childhood I did not develop a healthy self. I would say this is primarily a result of narcissistic parenting styles and negative school experiences. My little performative mind could not cope and even though I was once a clever boy I believe I chose to "give up".
As a 51 year old physical adult with I believe the emotional intelligence of a young person, perhaps an adolescent, I have felt completely stuck and hopeless. Remembering painful moments as an adult being insulted by uncaring adults who regard not well adjusted adults as a pain in the proverbial. I do not forgive them for their stupidity and hope they have suffered in their life for their stupidity.
I believe essentially that the "self" is a developing story when it is nurtured correctly. But this is not innate, if you don't get the correct nurturing it won't happen you'll be left with an emptiness where the story is meant to be.
For those who suffer try to ignore the insulters, and the put downers, and the toughenuppers. Search for people with caring faces not MEDICAL COATS. Just because they are trained does not mean they care and have any capacity for love. Find people who have love in their hearts and try to let them help you. You can see care and love in a face, they are people who are able to share pain. My experience of therapy was very mixed.
I wish you all luck. And now truly believe that this "self", this "story", is the way humans can solve the problem of trauma. But it requires lots of work especially when rearing children.
Whoa! This was such a wonderful article with more truth about healing than I’ve heard in all of the years of therapy. Thank you 🙏🏻
No article ever treated this matter in such a thorough, omni-comprehensive way. I live in Italy (am italian) so my perspective can vary a bit but i can definitely relate on what i have seen coming in the last maybe twenty years and hit our family because of our third son's diagnosis (at first dispraxia then autism). I opposed to medical treatment but not to diagnosis because it seemed too much to me (we needed help). Now he is an adolescent and i can see what is happening around us and the increasing number of people going to therapy or having any kind of certification at school. Also my older son (of three) had private psichotherapy for some year after me and my husband split. Your approach has been mine too, though i would have not been able to articulate it as you did. Thanks so much and please go on writing on Substack.
Thank you so much for reading and sharing a bit of your story. I can only imagine the complexity of navigating your son's diagnosis and what's unfolded in your family over the years. I will absolutely keep writing and your words of encouragement keep me going, so thank you for taking the time to read and reflect.